September 15, 2008 at 8:48 pm 3 comments

It has happened on occasion that I have overreacted, gotten very emotional, and/or made quite a fool of myself. Why do I have such a strong desire to share this with other people? It’s quite simple. I can’t even begin to think of the countless times I felt really stupid, and because of that, hesitated to ask a question or take an action. Several times I derived consolation out of the realization that other people can indeed be just as foolish, and it often made me feel better.

A biggie in this sector was the bulimia as well. Even though I logically knew that I was not the only one suffering, how much better it made me feel to speak with other bulimarexics and hear their stories. In fact, sometimes I thought to myself: “Oh, my gosh, she’s worse than I am!” Yes, that comparison did make me feel better. But there were other times I was ashamed to share some details, because I didn’t want to shock the others.

Today it’s not about an eating disorder, it’s about feeling stupid or foolish. Sometimes that feeling occurs because I have been over-exuberant or even arrogant, and then got called on it — whether overtly or subtly doesn’t matter. I notice it. I’ve mentioned humility before, and I don’t think it can be mentioned too often. It helps me maintain that delicate balance of confidence without arrogance, optimism without holding my breath in fear that all will be lost. It is always humbling to admit our shortcomings and weaknesses — to ourselves as well as to other people. It is also quite nice to admit that we are capable and diligent.

Tonight I’m feeling quite happy, as well as slightly foolish about last week’s “devastation”. Yes, I am the one who blows the trumpet and says: “Have faith! Trust in the universe! All happens as it is meant to be! Life is a challenge! We grow most through the more difficult times!” etc. etc. ad nauseum. Then give me a few really challenging days and what do I do? I burst into tears, want to give up, wonder what the heck I’m doing, and feel totally frustrated. Yes, that can happen. With the right combination of influences, I can be totally overwhelmed and don’t know what to do.

Through my ongoing life recovery, I have learned to keep going. Yeah, okay, so I spent a few days crying. That’s part of life, too. But what I want to emphasize here is: I don’t need to put myself down because of it. I’m just a plain old human beansprout who is very susceptible to her surroundings.

So if you are feeling frustrated, hopeless, overwhelmed, sad… that’s just how it is at the moment. But keep doing whatever you need to do, and have faith that things will get better. The rough times will pass. We all get silly sometimes and go off on a tangent. Then again, maybe a bunch of people don’t go off on tangents, but I go off on so many that it averages out to appear that everyone gets silly sometimes. I don’t know for sure. Either way, these feelings are okay. The important thing is to not give up.

I spoke with my boss today, and she told me that she had seen the doubt written all over my face on that fateful first day of work. She really couldn’t tell if I would throw in the towel immediately or grin and bear it to the end. (I have a six-month contract in an assisted-living situation, looking after a group of mentally handicapped people.) I told her I’d considered the surrender option, but I am a fighter and I generally finish what I start. Thus I had decided early on that I would see it through no matter what. I told myself that even if I found it extremely difficult and frustrating, it would be a valuable experience. And that is what is happening.

But it’s not only valuable, it’s actually quite pleasant. My clients have quite taken to me, and I very much enjoy working with them, as well as talking and goofing around. My co-workers have been very helpful and explain things to me again and again, so that today I have a much better sense of my job.

It has been helpful to feel confident in myself, even though I felt overwhelmed. I told myself that I’m quite competent, and that anyone who starts at a new job will find it a challenge. Several people have told me that the first month is the hardest, and that they really didn’t have the full routine for six months. Of course, it depends on the job and one’s previous experience, but most people agree that a month is necessary to adjust. It was really just the surge of emotion on the first day which brought about the “I don’t see how I can ever do this job! What was I thinking when I agreed to this?” reaction. Soon, despite all doubts, I did believe that I could do the job in a passable way. It would simply require some time, effort and adjustment.

So today things look pretty good. I’m sure there are plenty of challenging days to come, and there will be accomplishments as well as mistakes made. Today I simply have faith in my ability to cope, to do the best I can, to do a good job, and to succeed. I don’t have to be the best person who ever did this job, I just have to be “good enough” to fulfill the requirements. Sometimes it’s nothing but those unrealistically high expectations that throw us a curve ball.

Like I said, today I acknowledge that I don’t have to be the best, I simply have to do my best.


Entry filed under: self worth/self esteem/body image. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

What a week! It’s my party!

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. SanityFound  |  September 16, 2008 at 8:26 pm

    Glad you are writing more and more, it feels good and although I don’t comment often I am reading! You are doing so well, can’t stop grinning!

  • 2. diaryofarecoveredbulimic  |  September 17, 2008 at 9:14 am

    Thank you so much for being there! I know you are there, even if you don’t comment all the time. I haven’t exactly been commenting either, but try at least to read. We’re busy at the moment. That’s also part of life. And I’m glad that things are happening and rolling along — for both of us, and for lots of others as well.

  • […] Friend’s filtered through the brain cells.  Designing Your Dream can create a certain Humility bringing about Change.  There are never any quick fixes in reality just a lot of hard work, living […]


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