Adjusting to work and life

September 25, 2008 at 11:57 am 3 comments

It doesn’t seem possible that only two weeks have passed since that first day of work. I’ve worked a lot of days (weekends as well), which makes it seem much longer.  My minimum quota of housework was again reduced due to the stress of employment, but today I feel more energy. I even cleaned up my room, which was starting to be unmanageable. Papers, books, CDs all over the place, dirty socks under my bed, cat hair all over. Not a pretty sight!

Strangely enough I had a dream this morning. It was one of those weird early morning, endless dreams that makes you wonder if you’re awake or asleep. My mother has a serious clutter problem. On the bright side, she doesn’t have to vacuum her floor — because she can’t see it. Anyway, I dreamed that I had my old apartment in Manhattan again, with a few more rooms, and there was clutter all over the place. It looked like her apartment, but the clutter was definitely recognizable as mine and my kids’. Perhaps that scared me enough to give me clean-up energy this morning.

Lately I’ve gone back to sleep for a couple of hours after my son leaves for school. I think if someone had reminded me 16 years ago that kids go to school and that means you have to get up at 6 am, I would have seriously reconsidered my desperate wish to become a mother. I am not an early riser. Never have been. Never will be. But we’re not supposed to say Never. Who knows what the future will bring? In any case, I only slept one extra hour this morning. I think I’m ready to move out of the eat-sleep-work-minimal-housework-and-grocery-shopping mode and have a life again!

Oh, by the way, the dream continued. I’ll give you the short version. Some man came over to visit my husband, and they were standing outside. I panicked when I realized he intended to come into the house. Then I did an about-face and suggested that my husband move out. After all, the mess belonged to me and the kids. There wasn’t a trace of him to be found anywhere. End of dream. What does THAT tell me?

I don’t know what the future will bring, but I am working hard to get up and stand up on my own two feet. A job is a major step in that direction. Already I feel much less dependent. I’m up for making big changes in my life, but taking it one step at a time. While cleaning off my desk I found a piece of paper: “List of Little Steps” which I’d written in the summer. Some steps have been taken, others are still pending, but I am on my way.

They say the journey is the goal. I do believe that. These little steps are not simply something to get done. They are little developmental steps, as I learn to function and cope on a level more appropriate to my being. Authenticity is a big word in my vocabulary right now. I’d swept it under the rug for a while and let Harmony try its hand, but that just isn’t the way to go. The word “Harmony” is too boring for me. “Authenticity” has more pep, is much more interesting, and it starts with “A”. I think those are three very good reasons to go for it and that’s what I’m doing. 

After all, what are reasons about? Generally, when I think about something as being reasonable, I don’t particularly care for it. And just because something might be the reasonable thing to do, does not mean I’ll do it. Whereas, I think Authenticity is a very good idea — and has nothing to do with reason. It is about survival. Survival of my soul, my inner being, who I really am. That is what my life is about. No, it’s more basic than survival. It’s quite simply about being. Purely existing in my true state.

Today I do my best and let go at the same time. I put my effort into doing what I think is right, what feels right and makes sense to me. At the same time, I let go of expectations. Sure, I do hope that some things will turn out a certain way, but I am open to whatever happens. There is only so much I can control. Yet when I look back at how things have developed thus far, I can make some sense of it. That leads me to trust that what I’m doing now is just right for me. All will turn out as it should.

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Entry filed under: going back to work, letting go. Tags: , , , , , , , .

For what it’s worth Hours of exercise and crash diets

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. carolynlboyd  |  September 28, 2008 at 5:45 pm

    Good for you for taking those baby steps! Day to day life can make it seem as if we are going slowly, but all those little steps add up. Keep on keeping on!

    Reply
  • 2. fromtheadagio  |  September 29, 2008 at 5:50 am

    Authenticity has been on my mind too. Sartre uses the A-word when referring our ability to make decisions, while simultaneously acknowledging that our decisions are all our own, therefore tangential, fragile, changeable, totally ours….without external conferral. You are terribly right when you say it is your true being. The reasonable is the quickest way to boredom. Authenticity is the quickest way to losing a beauty pageant.

    Reply
  • 3. diaryofarecoveredbulimic  |  September 30, 2008 at 6:53 am

    C: Thank you! It does indeed feel like I’m learning to walk. Sometimes it all goes so slowly, but then yesterday I was slightly overwhelmed, tired, and had the feeling that I hadn’t figured out as much as I thought I had regarding the new job. It was kind of an off day. On days like that, I’m glad I’m going as slowly as I am, or I might totally crash and skin my knees.
    F: Thanks for the information…I definitely won’t participate in a beauty pageant. Nor do I want to be bored. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about decisions — exactly like you say — that they are my own, can be changed, and are only my responsibility, etc. It’s still quite a challenge for me to break away and veer towards authentic rather than responsible decisions, responsible being more a matter of convention than any objective truth. The energy that is surging from this process is truly vitalizing.

    Reply

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