How do I gain back my self-esteem?

Once again I turn to a search phrase that brought someone to my blog. This question caught my eye. My first response is a couple of questions: Did I ever have self-esteem? If so, what happened to make me lose it? How do I gain back self-esteem? How do I gain self-esteem if I never had it? How do I gain self-esteem?

In accordance with my problem-solving attitude these days, I can immediately reduce them to one important question: How do I gain self-esteem? Whether I once had it or not, doesn’t matter right now. What happened to make me lose it — well, I could analyze that to possibly avoid falling into the same trap again, but it also doesn’t really matter. Did I ever have self-esteem? That’s kind of like asking myself how much money I would have if I’d never spent any of it all my life. What’s gone is gone.

In a roundabout way, I’m on the path to establishing self-esteem on various levels. A really good way to do it is to take on challenges and see how well you can do. My new job has been providing that. The other day I caught myself feeling inadequate as I watched a film that one of my new colleagues had made. It documented their work over the past year. On the one hand, I thought it was beautifully done and very touching to see how involved each of the colleagues is. On the other hand, when I saw all the handiwork, arts and crafts and generally innovative things that they did, I got a bit nervous.

One of the positive (?) sides of my marriage was that my husband took care of a lot of the day to day stuff. Repairs and renovations he either did himself or hired someone else. In the early years, I did try to help. I actually liked the idea of fixing things up. But his perfectionistic approach and criticism of how sloppily I did things soon put a damper on my enthusiasm. So I let him do more and more. It has gotten to the point where I don’t know how to do things I used to know how to do! This lack of knowledge is not good for one’s self-esteem. It makes you feel incompetent.

This realization (yesterday’s prize accomplishment) dismayed me for five minutes to an hour, but then I decided: It’s a gift! Yes, it is indeed a gift that I have a job where I work with warm-hearted, enthusiastic, caring people who know how to do things or figure it out if they don’t know. It is a perfect opportunity for me to learn! It’s okay that I don’t know all that practical stuff that “normal” people my age should know. I have my other abilities.

So to gain self-esteem, I suggest taking on challenges and saying: “So what if I’m not perfect?” Of course, I can only speak for myself, but this is definitely working. A few affirmations like: “I am okay.” “I am just the way I am supposed to be.” “Life continues to offer me opportunities to increase my knowledge, my abilities, and to widen my horizons.” Rather than view this lack of practical experience as a “deficit” I prefer to consider it an area that needs attention and improvement. But that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me. I learn quickly, can ask for help, can ask questions, and who the hell besides me really cares if I get it right the first time? I am my own worst critic. Other people are encouraging, understand it if I don’t get it right, are impressed if I do get the hang quickly, and are generally so caught up in their own stuff that they don’t get so involved in what I can and cannot do.

I have been my own worst enemy. I have had high expectations, little patience and constantly made demands — some of which were quite impossible. My approach now is: I am my friend. I try to treat myself as well as I treat other people — with patience, consideration, understanding, encouragement and love. It seems to be taking root. I was actually surprised that I would react so mildly to their impressive demonstrations of handiwork ability in the film. A couple of years ago, I might have panicked, tried desperately to avoid any situation in which I might have to help (for fear of my inadequacy being “discovered”), or possibly even quit rather than face the embarrassment. I’m not here to be perfect. I am here to learn, experience, grow and discover. On the lighter side, when I do make a mistake, I can laugh and people laugh with me. They are often relieved to see that others make mistakes as well. Just like me, they tend to have high expectations of themselves.

So, that is my take on how to gain self-esteem these days: Learning by doing. Take on challenges and learn. You’ll be surprised and satisfied with what you accomplish. That’s why it doesn’t matter if I used to have self-esteem and lost it, or if I’m just developing it now. The point is: It’s here!