A delicate topic on the tightrope

October 7, 2008 at 8:24 am 4 comments

Every so often, I see that someone looked up “suicide” and arrived at my blog. Each time I read that word, it gives me a jolt. Several times during my illness, I felt and wrote that I was living a slow suicide. Killing myself, but holding on by a thread of hope, just in case it might get better. Though I didn’t want to hope too openly, for fear of being let down and disappointed yet again.

To be in the position of considering suicide means that you have a lot of suffering, pain, disappointment and hopelessness in your life. It just doesn’t seem to make any sense to go on. Janis Joplin once sang: “Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose.” I can’t tell you how many times that thought went through my head. How often did I think: Well, I have nothing (more) to lose.

That was actually what got me on the road to health. I figured: What the heck? I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain — as far as quality of life was concerned. The biggest risk I took was to believe in myself, or maybe just in life. I wasn’t quite ready to believe in myself back then.

If you are thinking about suicide and looking to see what people are writing about it, I take that as a positive sign. There is always hope to be found. Sometimes you just have to sharpen your focus and open your mind. Signs of optimism can be found everywhere, all we have to do is look and be willing to recognize them.

Life progresses in waves and there are definitely down times — even though I’m recovered, everything is not always peachy keen. Bouts of depression come along as well. Over the years, I have learned to deal with them, and trust that they will pass. For me, that is the price of admission to the world of joy and wonder. I can feel both extremes, and I am grateful for this expansive perception. For every day to be the same as the next, for my feelings to never change, to be totally regular, normal, always the same — that would be unbearable.

It’s not an easy up and down. Now that I’m in an up phase, things are better and I feel like I have a good overview. It’s not too long ago that I was thinking about suicide. (Just thinking, not contemplating doing it.) At this point, I don’t think it would be an option for me, but I was feeling so low that I linked in on that wavelength and could really understand and remember how it feels. Sometimes life is really hard, and sometimes those down times seem to be endless. But they do pass.

I’ll sign off with a quote from Immanuel Kant, a German philosopher, who lived from 1724-1804. I cut it out of the newspaper  a while ago and taped it onto my computer. “Three things help make our struggles in life bearable: hope, sleep and laughter.” I read that every day, and for me it is so true. Don’t give up!

And here’s the song…

Busted flat in Baton Rouge, waiting for a train
And I’s feelin’ nearly as faded as my jeans.
Bobby thumbed a diesel down just before it rained,
It rode us all the way in to New Orleans.

I pulled my harpoon out of my dirty red bandana,
I was playin’ soft while Bobby sang the blues, yeah.
Windshield wipers slapping time, I was holding Bobby’s hand in mine,
We sang every song that driver knew.

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose,
Nothing don’t mean nothing honey if it ain’t free.
Feeling good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues,
You know feeling good was good enough for me, hmm mm,
Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee.

From the Kentucky coal mines to the California sun,
Bobby shared the secrets of my soul.
Through all kinds of weather, through everything we done,
Yeah, Bobby baby, he kept me from the cold.

One day up near Salinas, Lord, I let him slip away,
He’s lookin’ for that home and I hope he finds it.
But I’d trade all of my tomorrows for one single yesterday
To be holdin’ Bobby’s body next to mine.

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose,
Nothing, that’s all that Bobby left me, yeah.
Feelin’ good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues,
Feeling good was good enough for me, hmm mm,
It’s good enough for me and my Bobby McGee.


Entry filed under: suicide. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

How do I gain back my self-esteem? Glad to still be alive

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Lola Snow  |  October 7, 2008 at 11:31 am

    Yikes. That hit pretty close to home.
    BTW I love the reference to Joplin!
    You always manage to see the positive in everything, its very refreshing.
    Lola x

  • 2. diaryofarecoveredbulimic  |  October 7, 2008 at 11:47 am

    It does hit close to home. I think we all have given it some thought at some point. Take care.

  • 3. PagIrrapy  |  June 4, 2010 at 6:14 am

    Hi I just lost my job. I have searched all the job boards more times than I’d care to recall and applied to 100s of positions. However, i have not been able to find a single good response to my applications. If anyone knows about any particular place that provides career advice, please reply me with the location details. I will be thankful to you for your early response.

  • 4. diaryofarecoveredbulimic  |  June 5, 2010 at 8:49 am

    The space you’re in is a trying one, that’s for sure. But you are taking action, sending out applications, and using your resources. Keep at it. I am sure something will come up. Recently I heard from a friend who’d been looking for several months that she found something. Jobs are out there. It just takes a while to find them these days. Keep on keeping on!


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