Wandering

October 30, 2008 at 9:28 am Leave a comment

Yesterday I had the day off and was going to be very productive. It turned out differently. Instead, I stayed in bed and quietly listened to music for a couple of hours. I was so tired that I just barely managed to get up, shower, have breakfast and get to an 11.30 physiotherapy appointment. The clinic is barely ten minute’s drive from here.

Afterwards I ran a few errands and decided to treat myself to lunch, since there was no one at home to cook for, and I had another appointment in the same neighborhood a bit later. There’s a really nice, reasonably-priced place nearby. First I stopped at the book store. I’d wanted to get another book by Paulo Coelho, so that was perfect timing. Sometimes it doesn’t bother me to eat out alone and just lose myself in thought or observe the immediate environment, but yesterday I felt too alone. I needed company, so I bought a book.

As soon as I walked into the restaurant, I saw two friends at a table. We chatted for a few minutes, and then they asked if they could join me. I was delighted. They switched tables, since there was only space for two at their table. It was such a nice surprise to have human company, and just what I needed.

After lunch, I went to my next appointment. I had to wait for a while, so I took out the book and started reading. It’s a collection of short stories. That’s about all I’m up for at this point. One of the stories hit home. An explorer in Africa had paid his local entourage extra money so that they would walk faster. He was in a hurry to get to his destination. They walked really fast for a few days, and then one day they sat and refused to move. No amount of money could motivate them. When he asked them why they wouldn’t move, they replied that they had been moving so quickly, they didn’t quite know what they were doing anymore. So they were just going to sit there and wait until their souls caught up with them.

That’s exactly how I feel these days! I need to space out and let my soul catch up with me. Sanityfound calls it “in limbo” and that’s it: I’m sort of floating, doing all this stuff, having a lot of new experiences, and trying to keep it all together and remain calm. Even in the midst of excitement, it’s one step after the other, as I wander along my path of life.

Part of what is so exhausting is the newness. The new job, new opportunities, learning to relate in a different way — grounded and less insecure, more self-confident. For someone who didn’t grow up being confident, it’s not so easy. Like any other ability, it takes practice. Sometimes I just get tired of being on my guard and reminding myself that I am a worthy human being and entitled to an authentic feeling, response, reaction, action, whatever. It’s the first stages of practice that require patience and perseverance. Once I get the knack of it, it should get better. But I’m not quite there yet.

By the way, I wasn’t sure if it was “perseverance” or “perseverence” so I looked it up in the Random House Unabridged Dictionary. And what did I find? Perseverance with an “a” and:

1. steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

2. Theology. continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.

That really sums it up for me, as I consider this life to be just that: trodding the path in steady persistence towards eventual salvation or enlightenment. The journey is the goal, enlightenment the summation. To borrow from Gestalt: The whole is more than the sum of all its parts. All of these little pieces of experience, fragments of insight, all is woven together, worked intricately into a unique, momentarily indistinguishable the pattern which in the end will be clear as glass.

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Entry filed under: journey of life, Unexpected twists. Tags: , , , , , , , , .

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