There’s nothing like a revelation

December 13, 2008 at 10:55 pm Leave a comment

What a night! Actually, it started last night. I was a bit grumpy, but otherwise things went well at work, and although I was on the night shift, I actually got everything done and was in bed by midnight. The window at the head of the bed is just slightly above the bed, so I lay there looking out the window, marveling at the brightness of the snow. The moon had been the last thing on my mind lately, but last night I was sure it was full.

Cut to tonight. I was actually on TV. At least, according to the program I was. I didn’t bother to watch, although I originally intended to. Instead, I finished watching a DVD that I bought a while ago and never got around to watching. It’s “Shadows of the Sun” with Harvey Keitel. It was a wonderful movie. I’ll try to word this right, as I’m slightly bursting with joy (and have had a couple of glasses of wine). I won’t bother to go into details, but the key line is: “I want to write because I can’t imagine doing anything else.” Why didn’t I see this movie 20 years ago? Well, it didn’t exist, and back then I might not have gotten it anyway.

The realization that I am doing what I do because I can’t imagine doing anything else is something that came during the past year. It’s like an incredibly intricate puzzle piece that suddenly fits perfectly, though you’ve spent the last half hour trying to figure out where it goes. Whether or not anything comes of it, I know my calling and that is what I must do.

It’s the same with the music. I just finished recording a CD and have spent the past week listening to it over and over, hearing only the mistakes, the tiredness in my voice, everything I did wrong, the song I should have left out. But I was too driven and stubborn. Couldn’t and wouldn’t stop and had to get it done. For me it is a major thing to do what I need to do, regardless of how the environment reacts. True, I cannot live a lifetime without taking the world around me into consideration, but neither can I let the people around me determine my life and who I am.

So tonight I watched that movie. And at 10.30 pm I knew that the interview and songs (I sang 3 of my songs playback and had a 5-minute interview) would be on TV, but I just couldn’t stop watching the film. (Anyway, I’ll get a DVD with the interview and songs, so it’s not like I won’t see it.) Just as the film was finished, my son called to remind me to pick him up from his friend’s house at 11 pm. (I’d promised earlier that I would pick him up.) I went outside and noticed how bright it was. Then I looked up into the sky, and there it was: the full moon! Beautiful, bright, glowing, absolutely perfect. And I thought to myself: “I want to write because I can’t imagine doing anything else.” Wow!

I’ve always been attuned to the moon, but kind of lost touch lately. So much has been on my mind. How appropriate that this revelation would occur tonight, when I’m on TV, but watch a movie instead and hear that line. That’s almost exactly what I wrote in my journal several months ago, but it’s still sinking in. I take this as an encouraging wink. I truly cannot imagine doing anything else. Writing makes me whole.

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Holiday season You’re too good for me

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