The countdown begins

December 27, 2008 at 10:01 am Leave a comment

Well, I’ve made it through the first round of the holidays, now it’s just New Year’s Eve that is alternately looming ahead and beckoning — depending on how I see things at the moment. In this moment, things are slightly blurry. Night shift and an extra cup of coffee yesterday afternoon kept me awake until 3 or 4 am, and then one of the house residents woke me up at 6 am singing prayers. I got up, asked him to pray quietly (weekends no one is supposed to be up before 8 am) and went back to bed. At 7 am the washing machine was beeping. I guess he decided to do laundry if he wasn’t allowed to sing. The washer beeps repeatedly and non-stop until you get up and turn it off. A wonderful invention for the forgetful housewife, but not for the sleeping counsellor! I scratched together a couple hours’ sleep, but decided not to go skiing today.

Since I couldn’t sleep, my thoughts did wander a bit. The pressure is on just slightly, as I promised myself to resolve things by the end of this year. That sounds really good, but this year is rapidly coming to an end. Last night I lay awake thinking about what I want to say, and how, and then realized I am tired of thinking ahead of time about what to say. That has become an awful habit. It started because I didn’t want to ruffle his feathers. Then I didn’t want to break the eggshells I was walking on. Then I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Other times I was afraid of him. Still other times it was one or all of the above. Multiply that by nearly 25 years and you have one hell of a bad habit!

Last night I decided I have to learn to swim or fly. I’ve been treading water and flapping my wings long enough. It’s time to get things moving. It is a strange thing. After we’d been together just a year, I thought: “Oh, we’ve been together for so long. I can’t just leave.” After five years, I said it again. Ten years later, ditto. Twenty years later I thought: “If I’d known back then how much longer twenty years are than just a couple of years, I would have left.” But back then I didn’t know. I didn’t want to believe that things wouldn’t change if I stuck around long enough. That is a typical characteristic of myself. I wanted to say of a bulimic, alcoholic, etc., but I don’t feel like labelling today. It’s just my very own personal style of dysfunction. Oh, and need I say that I did indeed keep trying harder? (Yes, I still have my sense of humor!)

So dear friends, this is it. It has to be today or tomorrow, because then I work again and I don’t want the discussion to be exactly on New Year’s Eve. I’m going to have a little chat with my higher power now, because I’m counting on H.P. to help me get the right words out and support me when things get rough. This is the big challenge — to go ahead and take the risk, not knowing ahead of time what the outcome will be. That has been my biggest fear/impediment up until now. I don’t think I want to drag it along into 2009. Enough is enough!

P.S. I take back what I said last time about competition among perfect housewives. Some of them actually like to bake so many cookies! And I can’t say I didn’t smile with gratitude when my sister-in-law brought me a plate of her beautiful cookies on Christmas Eve!

Oh, one last thought, to finally dissolve my fears. If I don’t write after this, either we had one of those awful family tragedies you hear about on the news, or I ran away from home. Or else I just dissolved into air. But if you want my opinion, I think I’ll be back to write about how things went! 🙂

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Entry filed under: bad relationships, changing my behavior. Tags: , , , , , , , .

Merry Christmas! When it’s time to change

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