When it’s time to change

December 27, 2008 at 10:34 am Leave a comment

This is a continuation of the previous subject. If you are thinking to yourself: “She’s just rambling because she’s trying to convince herself to do what she said she’ll do,” you are absolutely right! So I’d like to reflect on all the things I’ve tried.

I tried to be neater than I am. I tried to be what I thought he wanted. I sought happiness and fulfillment in my children. I tried drinking. I tried smoking again. I tried to get out of the house as much as possible — through student life, going out with friends, and visits home to the States. I spent endless hours writing a book, writing songs, practicing guitar, reading, listening to music. Those are all wonderful activities — even diversions — but they are not long-term solutions.

You may think I’m nuts, but, yes, I did consider consciously turning to alcohol to dull my brain a bit. (That was after we spent the first several years drinking rather heavily in order to avoid looking too clearly at things. Didn’t I hear the bells of alarm? Yeah, but I thought it was the alarm clock and have a tendency to turn it off and sleep a bit longer.) Conscious escape does not work.

This past summer I decided to start smoking again — after five years of not smoking and not missing it. For years that was a major point of contention with my non-smoking husband. I thought: “I feel like smoking, so I will.” Well, after 6 months I realized it didn’t make me feel good and my throat was awfully scratchy. So I stopped again.

When I’m honest, why should I do such self-destructive things like drink or smoke, just to numb myself out because I’m not happy? It doesn’t make sense. But it’s not the reasonable aspect that has such an effect on me. I just plain don’t feel good when I drink too much or smoke.

The hobbies, on the other hand, are a much nicer diversion. Not only do they keep my mind occupied, but I have something to show for it as well. There are results. That worked for several years, but once again my consciousness has caught up with me. When I am aware of the fact that I am using my hobbies to run away, they stop giving me the same satisfaction. In addition, I’m such a bundle of nerves that I’m not really enjoying them these days anyway. So much for that.

How about turning to food? Same problem: Consciousness and awareness. That alternative I used for 13 years, but it doesn’t work anymore either. It also boils down to not feeling good if I do it, which means I harm myself. Through bingeing I would punish myself because I’m not happy. That just doesn’t make sense.

However, being reasonable and making sense are not exactly my strong points. I’m a messy dreamer who likes to sleep late. So, after reviewing all of these useless alternatives, I feel like I’ve backed myself into a corner and really only have one option: Be brave, address the issues, have faith, trust my intuition, and make the necessary changes. What a minute! That was a bunch of stuff. The one option is: By myself! Or more poetically: “To thine own self be true.”


Entry filed under: bad relationships, changing my behavior. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , .

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