Oh, God, give me something: a reason to live

January 17, 2009 at 9:54 am 2 comments

Yesterday was the strangest day, but not at all in a bad way. Various things were on my mind, circling, coming together, making sense, then not at all. And then, quite unexpectedly, I threw care to the wind and made a decision. A true decision, which is rather unusual for me. But I did it and I decided to follow through, stick with it, and take a ride on the wave of fate. See, I have a history of control-freakness and have preferred to plan things. Although I do work with serendipity, I still like to have the reigns in my hand. This time is different. The strange thing is, afterwards I felt, excited, calm, relieved, happy and full of anticipation — all at the same time.

I had to go to work, and just didn’t make it to the gym. But since I made a resolution and it’s still January, I decided to go downstairs to the cellar, put on a CD and use the bicycle for a half hour. I don’t know why, since I’ve been listening to all kinds of other stuff lately, but I chose Patti Smith: Easter. When the first tones of “Set me free” came on, I knew why I’d chosen it.

I was transported back to being a 16-year-old, spending hours lying on my bed, listening to this song, singing along, and feeling inspired. Yes, I did indeed want a reason to live. I had given up hope, but there was a spark somewhere, which Patti Smith through her music turned into a little flame, which kept me warm over the years until I was ready for recovery. Yes, I was so desperate, just a little flame was enough — at that time. And this song was especially powerful. It balanced out the ravages of bingeing and purging and built me up again.

So I found it utterly appropriate that on the day I make an important decision only according to my heart and completely without being “reasonable” that this song would pop up. I let go and accept whatever happens. I put my life in God’s hands.

So here’s the song. May the spark of determination fly over to you and inspire.

Set me free (Privilege)

I see it all before me:
the days of love and torment;
the nights of rock-and-roll.
I see it all before me.
Sometimes my spirit’s empty;
don’t have the will to go on.
I wish someone would send me

Give me something.
Give me something to give.
Oh, God, give me something:
a reason to live.
My body is aching.
Don’t want sympathy.
Come on. Come and love me.
Come on. Set me free.
Set me free.

The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
He leadeth me through the path of righteousness for His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me.

Hey, Lord, I’m waitin’ for you.
Oh, God, I’m waitin’ for you;
waitin’ to open Your ninety-eight wounds
and be Thee, be Thee.
Lead me, oh, lead me.

Leave me something.
Leave me something to live.
Oh, God, give me something:
a reason to live.
I don’t want no handout;
no, not sympathy.
Come on. Come and love me.
Come on. Set me free.
Set me free.
Come on. Set me free
Set me free . . .

Oh, I’m so young, so goddamn young.
Oh, I’m so young, so goddamn young.
Oh, I’m so young, so goddamn.
Set me free.

In the presence of my enemies,
Thou anointest my head with oil.
My cup runneth over.
Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life.
And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Ah, damn, goddamn, goddamn, goddamn.
Here I am.


Entry filed under: Affirmations, inspiration, Songs that kept me alive. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , .

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2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Lola Snow  |  January 17, 2009 at 11:46 am

    Kudos, grrrrreat choice of song. A little visit to Mr iTunes is in order for Lola.

    Lola x

  • 2. diaryofarecoveredbulimic  |  January 17, 2009 at 6:11 pm

    So glad you like it! 🙂


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