Filling in the gaps

February 2, 2009 at 9:39 am Leave a comment

During the process of recovery — and I’m talking about several years here, I often had the feeling that I was going back in my development to where things got screwed up, and I was correcting things. Learning how to eat is the most obvious lesson, but there was much more. I needed to learn how to feel, how to express these feelings, and how to handle certain feelings — some of which I didn’t understand. It was also a process to discover what I like to do, how I like to spend my free time, what I can do, what I’m afraid of. I learned to tackle a project which I was afraid of. The fear was nothing more than insecurity — I just didn’t quite know where to get started. That reminds me of a song from the Sound of Music: “Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.” So simple, but wise.

As time went by, I learned to rely on these new perceptions and abilities to handle challenging situations. Awareness of the process was helpful, but it didn’t spare me any lessons — or pain or frustration. It is indeed frustrating to learn things when you have the feeling that everyone else your age already knows how to do it. But when I managed to get over that, accept where I was regardless of where I thought everyone else was, I learned to be humble and to plod along on my little path.

I’m still plodding along. I still get impatient, frustrated and can’t believe how slow I am and how little I understand — compared to everyone else! Comparisons serve to make me crazy, and that’s it. So for today, I pray to let go of them. I am who I am and I’m in the right place at the right time. It’s all as it should be, even if I don’t quite understand it.

There are gaps in my upbringing, that is true. My parents made mistakes, I made mistakes. Sometimes the environment didn’t give me what I needed. Blah, blah, blah. That’s how it is. The opportunity now is to accept these gaps and learn how to fill them with appropriate experience and coping mechanisms. That is a challenge, and to meet it can be very rewarding and insightful along the way. Step by step.

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Entry filed under: changing my behavior, daily challenges. Tags: , , , , , , , .

A person just like me Should I stay or should I go?

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