Beyond Survival

February 20, 2009 at 8:54 am 2 comments

I’ve been thinking more about goals lately, and I realized that my main goal for a long time had been survival. In the survival mode, I couldn’t really move forwards. Survival is fairly well-defined and structured: If I have a roof over my head, clothes to wear and food to eat, I’m doing okay. When the scope broadens, it can be a bit overwhelming.

Although I’ve come a long way with recovery, I’m still in the survival mode. I’m still holding out and hoping that things will eventually get better. Where does this come from? That ugly old divorce my parents went through over 30 years ago. The resulting loneliness, poverty, fear of losing my home, lack of heat, and lost hope with a pinch of loyalty conflict to spice things up a bit (but it ended up being way more than a pinch).

So I lost hope and made friends with the “learned helplessness” phenomenon. I gave up and figured it wasn’t worth trying or hoping for, since it wouldn’t work out and I didn’t deserve it anyway. That was why I never really took the steps to go to college. It was too expensive, I didn’t deserve it, and I just didn’t see myself getting there. So sad.

Today that is over. Today my life is totally different. Now, much of the limitation is within me. It’s up to me to do things, say things, take certain steps to move forward, but I am afraid. I am afraid of losing again. I am afraid of going back to those old days. But I won’t! I am healthy. I am an adult. I have a voice and I can use it. I have a say in the matter. That is completely different to the situation of that lost 13-year-old. Even if hard times come (which wouldn’t be totally surprising, considering the economy at the moment), I am in a position to take care of things. I can take action. I have my faith and trust that higher power is watching over me.

Hmmm… if I keep writing like this, I just might convince myself to take some steps this weekend. Again I’ve been procrastinating about another discussion regarding the future. Maybe now is the time. There’s such a solid block inside of me. I feel it. I feel old fears and tears rising up when I even just think about the drastic changes I want to make.

But at this point, I feel kind of stuck in a corner. I can no longer go on as I have, because that has become unbearable. It always was unbearable, but I denied it and tried to simply ignore it. That is no longer possible. So, looking at the situation objectively, there is only one way to go! And I don’t mean backwards! 🙂


Entry filed under: bad relationships, Family/Relationships, journey of life. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , .

Say “No” for a happy ending The letter I won’t hand over

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. carolynlboyd  |  February 21, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    Change, especially real, transformational change, isn’t easy. It is a long, hard slog sometimes, but with moments of excitement and joy. So, we do sometimes have to realize that all those feelings don’t just melt away and they can come back, but we still keep going. You are a strong and courageous woman and you’ve come a long way — I know you’ll keep on going!

    • 2. diaryofarecoveredbulimic  |  February 21, 2009 at 1:38 pm

      Thanks for the encouragement. And for the word “slog” — which I never heard before. The sound of it gives the perfect imagery…
      I’m slogging along, and blogging a song
      as merry as can be*.
      The ups and downs, the smiles and frowns
      are how life’s meant to be! 🙂

      (*under the circumstances)


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