Crisis anyone?

March 26, 2009 at 11:30 am Leave a comment

In a sense, it has been the calm before the storm. I have been collecting my energy, assessing my resources, and now am in the midst of a big change. It is fairly easy to go along from day to day as long as things stay the same. In the past, the strategy was: cope and complain.

After a season of soul-searching and reflection, the time has come. This weekend I officially start the search for my own apartment. The timing couldn’t be worse. Finances on a global level are somewhat precarious, and it trickles all the way down to me. But then, timing has never been one of my strengths. Why start now?

Just kidding! Now is the time, thus the timing is right — regardless of appearances. During the past few days, I have consulted the Mayan Calendar to know if the timing is propitious. It is. The themes have been about birth through fire, letting go of all that doesn’t belong to me. I’ve been encouraged to open my heart like a flower to the sun and let it help me grow.

With a focus on unconditional love, it is a time for illumination, and to join the dance of light. While reading “The Temple of the Subway Goddess” I often smile and think: Perfect timing! This is just the novel I needed! I’m reading it slowly, enjoying the sound of the words, the style of writing, the energy, and the thoughts and feelings that it evokes within me. Literature has always been a saving grace to my existence.

It was a long, agonizing talk, but I remained calm, shed few tears, and focussed on staying grounded and firm. It worked. I won’t go into details, but want to share this to encourage others, which is why I’ll tell you how I am now. Inside everything is churning. I am excited, impatient, and a little scared, but I know this is the path I am destined to take.

I must be patient, as even major change can only occur in steps — if it is to be done well, and that is my goal. There is a certain sense of responsibility that we all get through this as well as we possibly can — my children, my husband and myself.

Yesterday I stood in the kitchen nearly in tears. I felt so alone. All of my friends are so far away, I told myself. Who can I talk to? Then I decided to reach out here — locally. I called one friend. She didn’t answer. I called another and asked what she was doing at the moment. She said the friend I’d just called was on her way to pick her up and they were going to go out for a cup of coffee, because she was climbing the walls. I laughed and asked if I could join them to commiserate. It was wonderful! I’m not ready to talk about all of this just yet, but it did good to go out, be with friends, and see how they are doing. Another friend joined us at the café and it was a pleasant time-out from daily stuff, worries and fear.

The one friend is in the process of separating from her husband as well, so she does know about my situation. That is a comfort, that we can share that. We’ve been confiding in each other over the past few months, and helping each other take the necessary steps — as well as sharing information, giving feedback and encouragement.

A blog keeps coming to mind that someone wrote a while ago about birth through fire. Fire can destroy a forest, but afterwards life returns and new things grow, now that they have space. That comforts me. It is not easy, but I keep telling myself I have to stand it. This increased tension will eventually go away, and afterwards leave me in a better state than I’ve been. Perhaps in a better state than I’ve ever been!

So at the moment, support is very important. And trust in my intuition and what my heart tells me. I pray, meditate and do my best to take care of myself — emotionally and physically. This added stress requires that I get enough rest, feed myself well, and do all that I can to mobilize my energy and stay in good shape.

It could be tempting to overeat or drink too much alcohol, but that would jeopardize my goal. Since that goal is clear, I want nothing to stand in the way or screw things up. No more excuses. It was tempting in the past to stay in this situation. Materially, I had it made. However, that isn’t enough and I am convinced that if I maintain this situation out of fear of the unknown, it will destroy me.

Thus, I throw care to the wind, breathe deeply, and trust in the universe. It’s one thing to expound upon it, and quite another to live by it. It has taken a long time, but I am ready. The necessary tools and strength are there. There’s no turning back!

Entry filed under: bad relationships, changing my behavior, Family/Relationships, Help and Strength, journey of life. Tags: , , , , , , .

One Year Old Learning to talk

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed

What's on my mind

%d bloggers like this: