At a loss

April 2, 2009 at 7:26 pm Leave a comment

Today I decided I want to buy a camera. When digital cameras first came out, I resisted them and kept buying film. Eventually the old camera died. I started using the digital camera that my husband had bought, and inherited it when he bought a better model. Meanwhile, it has died as well. So for the past several months, I haven’t taken any pictures. It bothers me.

Today I decided: I am going to buy a camera. That kind of fits with where my head is. See, I left all technical decisions up to my husband. As the years passed, he took care of more and more, and I gradually lost touch with reality.

For millions of people, it is no big deal to go out and buy a camera. I feel like a fool, because I don’t know the jargon. You know, pixels and all that kind of stuff. I complained to my mother today, and she laughed and reminded me that some 25 years ago I had to overcome my embarrassment about not knowing what size I was so that I could buy some new underwear. How embarrassing!

Today is one of those days. A few major projects are over and now I’m supposed to be happy that the tension is over, so I can relax and get back to normal life. That’s what I told myself would happen. Instead, I have fallen into a slight hole. There is so much going on all at once, and I haven’t gotten enough sleep lately.

I am now officially in the “looking for an apartment” phase. The last time I did that by myself, I was 19! I’ve been looking at ads, but today was the first day I actually picked up the phone and called to make an inquiry.

It’s one step at a time, I keep chanting brightly. But actually taking those steps is giving me a funny feeling. Sometimes tired, sometimes ready to explode from the tension, sometimes angry, then sometimes sad. And then there are the moments when I think about all the amenities I have, and what I will have to deal with on my own.

Fear held me still for a long time — far longer than I care to admit. I am learning to let go, step by step, and learning to move forward, to dare to speak up, to do things differently, to listen to that inner voice. But I must say, it is challenging. I feel the challenge all around me, and within me in every cell of my body.

I am rallying my strength and courage, yet last night I realized it’s more about breathing and flexibility than strength. During yoga class last night we did an exercise in which we imagined ourselves as a tree. I tried really hard, but kept coming back to the initial image of a bush — a fire bush with violet-red leaves that grows on the front lawn of the house I grew up in.

This experience at yoga was in keeping with the images I’ve had lately. It’s about flexibility, strength without resistance, motion. I asked the instructor afterwards if it was okay to imagine a shrub instead of a tree. She commented: “Well, the trunk is kind of thin.”

That image stayed with me and I thought: A strong heavy tree might get knocked over in the upcoming storm. A bush can heave and sway, the wind can blow through it while it remains standing. It is delicate, but it has good strong roots that will hold it, no matter what happens. I’ve also been feeling fragile lately. Night duty, lots of activity, as well as less appetite have caused me to lose a few pounds. It’s nothing serious — about what I was before we moved here nearly 5 years ago — but it makes a difference. I’d kind of gotten used to the extra 5 pounds, though, and now I feel skinny.

So all this weird stuff is going on, and I’m trying to make sense of it. But like I said, I’m also rather tired. I called my mother to check in and told her what’s up. I said: “Here I sit on the terrace in the sun. I can look at the beautiful mountains. I live in paradise. Yet I’m not satisfied. I want to give it all up for a little apartment I can call my own. I’m lonely. It takes so much energy to do things alone. And when I do, there’s no one at home who is interested in hearing about it. I want to have a relationship. I think it’s worse to be lonely and married than to be lonely and single.” I rambled on for a while. She asked when I’d last had a good cry. Oh, it’s been a while, but I’m too tired today.

Cut. I opened a nice bottle of a fairly light red wine, took my “Subway Goddess” book, and settled in the sun room to read. That was just the solution. And I stacked up a few CDs to listen to and a couple of other books to read, and I will simply focus on them and let my mind quiet down.

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Entry filed under: changing my behavior, daily challenges. Tags: , , , , , .

I want it all! So much to do in one life time… It’s been a while

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