Not quite sure

April 14, 2009 at 8:17 am Leave a comment

Things are moving along. As they fall into place emotionally, the physical manifestation will follow. Strangely enough, now that we are preparing for a time out, my husband and I are talking more than we used to. The pressure is off, so I feel a bit more relaxed.

My 16-year-old daughter is thrilled about the prospect of my getting an apartment, and since I first mentioned it, she has opened up. It’s as if she had taken on the depression and resignation that she saw in me, and carried it as her own burden. Now she’s brightened up — is checking newspaper ads for apartments, and has various ideas about furnishings.

Last night I spoke with my son. He is 14. It came as a shock to him, and he assured me he would not leave the house and move to an apartment. My first reaction was to think: “Okay, maybe I should forget about it. I could not bear living without him.” Then I thought to myself: “It was a surprise for him. Give him time to digest it.” After all, my daughter was also quiet when I told her. I assured him that he need not worry. Everyone will be taken care of, and for now it is a time out. It is not a divorce. Time will tell, which direction we go. At this point, there is no pressing need to make it legal.

It is frightening to make changes, but as I plod along, one thing becomes clear: The fear ahead of time is much worse than actually taking the steps. There are moments when I laugh at myself and wonder what I was so afraid of! Sure, it is unfamiliar and I’m not always sure what I’m doing, but I feel my way along — gingerly at times — and it’s okay.

There are still moments of doubt. Knowing that recovered bulimics/anorexics tend to go for an authority person as a partner, and considering that whole interaction, I sometimes wonder if it isn’t/wasn’t all in my head. (But, no, I don’t blame myself! It takes two!) As I give my partner less power over me, things seem to improve. My own inner strength is revealed, and it surprises me at times. There are even moments when I think: “Oh, it could all work out!” But at this point, I am being cautious about any such declaration. Too many years were spent hoping — 23 to be exact. During that time, I hoped that things would work out magically. They didn’t.

Things generally don’t work out magically if I don’t take action. Sure, there are exceptions, but that’s not the rule. Little steps, figuring things out as they happen. One thing is clear for sure: It’s not just my partner. I slipped into the little girl role and stayed there for quite some time. I didn’t like it, but never had the power or courage to change. I complained to my friends, I wrote about it in my journal, but I was too scared to actually do anything about it. Whenever I would bring something up in discussion, I would back down again the second I was finished saying it. Or the second after my partner answered.

I’m learning to talk back. I don’t think I’ll be finished with this relationship until I’ve gotten to be really good at it. And then, who knows what will happen? I’m optimistic!


Entry filed under: bad relationships, changing my behavior. Tags: , , , , , , , , , .

It’s been a while Slightly overwhelmed

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