The time has come…

April 19, 2009 at 8:57 am Leave a comment

to do it my way, as Frank Sinatra said. One step at a time, I have reached the next level. Last week I signed the lease for my own apartment — for a time out. The last time I signed a lease, I was 19 years old and living in Manhattan. So much has happened since then!

It’s been a long time coming, and it feels right. That’s not to say that I’m totally free of cognitive dissonance. For those who don’t know the exact term, I’m sure you know the feeling: You’ve made a decision, and once it’s settled, you start second-guessing yourself and wondering if you didn’t forget something. To get through that, I’ve found a simple solution: I just pray when it comes on. I pray for the willingness to trust and let go of fear and uncertainty, and admit that I am willing to be led along the path of my destiny — with blind trust when necessary.

That works out pretty well. Last night I was over-tired (a real enhancer for cognitive dissonance!) and had quite a bout of doubt hit me. Before surrendering to the fear, I went to bed and prayed. Now that I think of it, this morning it has been lifted. When necessary, I take a deep breath and remind myself: Even mini-steps count! Don’t need to figure it all out now.

As of May 1st, the apartment is mine. How I will move all my stuff, get furniture, hook up the phone, etc. I don’t know yet. First I have to get the keys and spend some time there. It will all fall into place.

It’s truly a good feeling that I have. After years of going on and on about the glory of taking risks and truly living — meanwhile living a rather secure existence — I am spreading my wings and learning to fly. It is indeed a learning process. Ironically enough, the times are generally uncertain, so this just adds to it.

One chapter is closing, but a new door has burst open. My attitude is changed. Rather than seeing all those difficult little steps along the way as annoyances, I view them as essential parts of the process. This is all a learning experience and it provides for personal growth. As Hermann Hesse once said: “Once you reach a goal, it’s not a goal anymore.” Have I used that quote already? Quite possible — it’s a recurring thought these days, as I remind myself that there’s more to life than arriving at a destination.

People-pleaser that I have been, it is rather uncomfortable to be in the position of the bad guy. The way my husband sees it, I am breaking up the family. The neighbors may have a similar opinion. In my heart, I know what I am doing is necessary — for my sanity and for my children. My husband may profit as well, although he doesn’t see it that way just yet. I trust that all will work out for the best.

Bulimics and anorexics have a tendency to take on an authority figure as a partner. (Wait a minute! Can an authority figure be a partner??) Now I am finally coming into my own. I am moving out, and taking a time out. None of us know where this will lead, but one thing is clear: It’s about time that I grow up and allow myself to be the main authority figure in my life. After all, I do know better than anyone else what is best for me!


Entry filed under: On my own. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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