Home is

April 22, 2009 at 5:34 pm Leave a comment

where the heart is, and that’s within me. For the past few years, I felt a growing urge to move back to the States. I wanted to go home. Even as recently as last fall, I was certain that I would wait a few years until the kids are older, and then move back.

Things have taken quite a turn. I decided to get my own apartment here and have a time out. What happened? Suddenly I feel less of an urge to return to the States. Sure, I might eventually want to go back, but I’m not in such a hurry any more. I was simply yearning for a place to feel at home.

The past few months, I spent more and more time hiding in my room. It was my refuge, the one place I felt at home. But I was feeling cramped. This room contains all of my belongings and is rather crowded. I was feeling suffocated, like I couldn’t breathe.

And so I threw care to the wind, regarding what the neighbors would say, and decided to listen to my heart and to trust that inner voice. I trust that it will lead me in the right direction. Since I’ve started listening, I feel lighter and free. It is a blessing to trust myself, my feelings, my judgment. I am ready to “pitch my tent upon the ocean” as a dear friend once said — and I will sleep peacefully, warmed by trust and faith.

I don’t even understand this change that has my whole body vibrating with energy — although at the same time I am exhausted and feel like I could sleep all day. So much change takes a lot of energy! Today I feel confident. I have taken the necessary steps. I am not being irresponsible. No, I am being more responsible than I have ever been. I am truly taking care of myself. Because it feels so right, I have no fear. The fear has been lifted. I don’t need to know what will be in 6 months or a year. I am on the right path, and all will happen as it is meant to be.

Difficult situations and people are sent to us as an invitation to learn. They are gifts from the universe which give us an opportunity to grow. I’ve finally gotten that. I’m doing my best, and it seems to be working.

It doesn’t mean I’m above it all, though. At the moment I’m waiting to get the key and feel kind of in limbo. I will enjoy the process, though I do look forward to being settled. Things are just at a standstill right now. Once I have the key in my hand, I can be more active. Now I’m just still digesting the reality of it.

Talking about reality. This experience has been quite a lesson in reality. By making decisions and taking action, I am creating a new reality. It was always there. The potential was always given. But it took courage to take those steps. I feel excited, alive and hopeful. Thank you, H.P.! And thank you to everyone who has supported me along the way — especially one special person who I’ve sadly lost touch with. You all helped me get here.


Entry filed under: On my own. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

The time has come… Ugly aspects

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