Waiting for life to start

April 24, 2009 at 7:47 am Leave a comment

Every so often, it occurs to me that a great deal of my life was spent waiting. Waiting to be old enough to go to school, waiting for school to finish, waiting until I could go to college, waiting until that was finished, waiting for things to change…until I finally realized that I had to take certain steps!

This drastic change in my life was a long time coming. For years I felt discouraged. I had no income of my own and was miserable at the fact that I was totally dependent. I had the dream that I would write a bestseller and buy my freedom. That’s a nice idea, but to make my freedom dependent on reaching a dream was just another way to keep myself in place — waiting.

Something changed inside. I realized I’m not getting any younger. Things don’t just change of their own accord. Sure, the universe helps and gives me pushes and shoves, but I need to be open enough to see and utilize these helpful nudges.

Lately I’ve felt numb and in a daze. I have taken the steps toward change — without a bestseller. I can take steps towards change without having the perfect set-up ahead of time. I don’t need a perfect financial safety net. There are resources, and I am working with what I have. And there’s something else: I have a higher power, remember?

Freedom is within me. That is the big revelation. Yet I’ve felt guilty and confused — and catch myself waiting for the apartment keys, which I will have in my hand by next week. Meanwhile my daughter is scouring advertisements for furniture, plants, and accessories. She even found a site on the internet to have a new layer put on the bathtub — to freshen it up! She amazes me!

Today I choose to let the spark of her enthusiasm jump over to me. We are doing this together. No more guilt. This is all a process and we are in the middle of it. Now is the time to enjoy — the anticipation and planning, collecting ideas. I’m so happy to see her blossoming and taking an interest, after being so withdrawn for such a long time — her reaction to the impossible situation. So for today I pray to H.P. to carry me a bit, help me get centered and let go of the “waiting mode” once again. I am grateful for the wave of support coming in from friends and family — phone calls, emails, coffee chats. It is a blessing.

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Entry filed under: changing my behavior, On my own. Tags: , , , , , , , , , .

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