Joy and sadness

April 29, 2009 at 11:30 am Leave a comment

It is incredible how these two feelings coexist. What can I say? It’s cold and rainy outside and I have feelings bouncing around inside. Lately it’s as if I’m comprised of a jumbled up bag of them! On the one hand, I’m so happy about leaving and starting a new life. On the other hand, I’m so sad that things didn’t work out in this relationship. There are moments when I think: “If only I’d been so sure of myself and what I want sooner!” We could have established a totally different basis for communication — or went our separate ways sooner. But we didn’t.

Despite the sadness, I am glad that things have not proceeded any faster than they have. These last couple of weeks together have almost been nice. Relief is in the air — on both sides. Even though he won’t admit it just yet, I think my husband is glad that something is finally happening. The wordless stagnation was driving us both crazy.

I’ve noticed another big difference. Late December I said I planned to stick around for 5 more years (until the kids are grown up), and then move back to the States. After some initial relief that an end was in sight, depression worked its way back in as I thought to myself: Five more years in this house will drive me crazy. I won’t say I was suicidal, but quite frequently while driving to work, I would imagine how things would be if I stepped on the gas and drove straight into the hairpin curve off the highway exit. I didn’t really consider doing it, but kind of wondered what it would take for me to be desperate enough to give the option serious thought.

The last few days as I drove to work, I realized that those thoughts have vanished just as quietly as they first arrived. I interpret that as a good sign. In general, the bout of cognitive dissonance dissipated shortly after I wrote about it. It was just a little strange and unfamiliar, as I’m not quite in the habit of listening to my heart and inner voice. Today I recognize that this is absolutely the right decision. My courage wavers at times, as I wonder how I’ll get from here to there, but there is no doubt that I will. There is no doubt about this chosen path. It feels wonderful to have made a decision that is best for me.

Like my Aunt Judy said so many times: “When the mother is happy, the children are happy.” I agreed with her, but hesitated to pursue my own happiness, still fearing it would be at their cost. I realize now that as long as I was unhappy, they could not help but feel it and suffer. My strength and shining self will work their way through, and all will be well. Though it pains me, I accept that my son is not thrilled. I trust that he will eventually adapt to the situation. I accept also that he needs time to get used to the whole idea of two households.

Whenever I need help, I clarify the need and send it on out to the universe. It has worked quite well up until now. The universe is on my side. It means well and loves me, but it can’t help me until I express my needs clearly. Once I do that, I am amazed at how quickly and clearly it acts. The timing is perfect! As days and events pass, I realize that now is completely the right time. (But no, I haven’t won the lottery! I guess the universe decides what is a reasonable request or what is best for me.)

Nevertheless, there is momentarily quite a storm of feelings going through me. I do my best to let them arise and acknowledge them. It’s not so bad. And I confess, I’ve been having a glass or two of wine fairly regularly and been smoking a few cigarettes. It’s not admirable behavior, and my perfect self would rather do without all vices, but right now, I choose to allow myself the luxury of flipping out just a bit. There’s a lot going on — on several different levels — and I’m doing the best I can to cope. I’m satisfied. With awareness comes growth and realization. I trust that these “tools” are temporary — and notice already that as I walk more and seek quietude in yoga, the urge to be “naughty” with alcohol and cigarettes diminishes. Good grief!

Much of this has to do with overcoming fears. To do this, I find it necessary to acknowledge the fears first. And I have several! That’s part of the reason why I’ve been with this strong husband of mine for so long: He is really good at navigating the outside world, and that was rather convenient. But now I choose to survive and thrive in that outside world without a strong man to lean on. I can do it! Today I feel like the little engine that could… “I think I can, I think I can I think I can…. I KNOW I can!”

Entry filed under: On my own. Tags: , , , , , , , , , .

Waiting for life to start Turning my life around

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