Back to “normal”

August 4, 2009 at 12:42 pm Leave a comment

After all the stress of moving, the emotional turmoil, and losing some weight, I’m back to normal. The past few weeks, I focussed on eating normally. See, I’d gone under my optimal weight and was looking skinny and feeling weak. As I mentioned previously, somewhere inside it felt familiar and I noticed a slight pleasure creeping in. It was dangerous.

So during the past few weeks I at times forced myself to eat regularly and enough. I’d really fallen out of the habit and my stomach had shrunk accordingly. That danger zone is spooky, though I know now that I feel much better. Walking around, I didn’t feel grounded. It was almost as though the wind could blow through me. I felt imbalanced.

Why is it so tempting? What is so attractive about being strong and skinny? Perhaps it is that child coming out — wanting attention, wanting to be admired for her great feats despite her diminutive appearance.

Perhaps I want to be protected and nurtured. I admit, it was a good feeling to visit with friends and have them tell me I’d gotten skinny and then they gave me good things to eat. Yes, that makes sense. I’m on my own and doing a lot, have taken on a whole bunch of new responsibilities, and there is no one to fall back on at the moment.

With this realization (and having gained back my lost weight — see, I KNEW I would find it again!), I am reminded to look at my needs. Now I need more company. Intuitively, I stopped by to visit a friend the other day.

Last night I went to visit another friend. I hadn’t seen her in ages. We spent an intense few hours talking about everything under the sun (and the moon), and it did both of us good. She spends a lot of time outdoors (biking, hiking, skiing) and doesn’t get together with friends that much. She works and has 4 kids, so her free time is limited.

She asked me what I do to relax. I didn’t know the answer. I’m not such an outdoors person, though I like to walk a lot. On the way home, I realized that my relaxation and tanking up of energy takes place when I have such intense conversations. That connection with other people on a real level is extremely important to me.

I thought I’d share this, since maybe someone can relate. Though I don’t focus too much on the “why” of eating disorders, and prefer to take action, sometimes it’s good to examine “why” in the sense of what I get out of it. What is the benefit? When I recognize the rewards, that enables me to consider a more healthy way to achieve them.

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Entry filed under: About Recovery, life after bulimia. Tags: , , , , , , , , .

Home safe “My soul that had fallen asleep in the cold…”

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