More life after separation

August 12, 2009 at 11:25 am Leave a comment

It took so many years to gather my courage and move out, I thought I’d gone through everything. So it has come as a surprise that stuff keeps coming up. Not only is there the relief, as I continue to relax and marvel at this new freedom. No, there is also a lot of sadness, disbelief, and head-scratching. How could I have gone through that for so long? Why didn’t I trust my own perception? Why was I so afraid of being wrong? Why didn’t I listen to my heart? Why was I so afraid of him? Why did I avoid conflict at all costs? How could I have let my children down? What made me forsake myself? What led me to accept his reality and question my own? How could I be out of touch for so long?

As time goes by, I’m sure more questions will arise. That’s how it is. I ignored my friend when she told me that I have a lot to deal with now. I replied that it had been such a long time coming, there isn’t much left to work through. Little did I know!

With the increasing sense of relief comes the insight as to how twisted things had been. Lately I find myself numbing out — sleeping a lot, sitting out on the balcony and staring into space (or watching the cats). I’ve been watching DVDs. Last night it was “One flew over the cuckoo’s nest” and “The bucket list” — both with Jack Nicholson. But I’ve also watched romantic love comedies like “Must love dogs” with John Cusack. During the past week or so I have sought out friends and talked a lot. I guess I need it. And I’m still reading Hermann Hesse’s Steppenwolf. I guess I’m not super strong and above it all. Well, I am super strong, but I’m human — and definitely not above it all. A little distraction is helpful right now.

Now is a time of adjustment. I have a new rhythm in my daily life. There are different things to be taken care of. Little problems come up that I never had to deal with before — my husband took care of all that stuff.

Although the big change was made through a thousand tiny steps, there are still a thousand steps in front of me. Step by step, I continue on this path. A major goal was reached. There is emotional turmoil, and there is that familiar let-down after a major achievement — like after my Master’s Thesis was accepted. Or when I finally got my degree after being a student for so many years. What do I do now? I’m breathing, resting, and having a little fun.

This reminds me of the birth of my first child. There was so much preparation and anticipation during pregnancy that I often forget that it wouldn’t be “over” when the baby was born. That was just the beginning!


Entry filed under: Life after separation. Tags: , , , , , .

What’s the big deal? Self-acceptance and daily stuff Strange mood

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