Yesterday

August 25, 2009 at 11:03 am Leave a comment

Yesterday I was reminded of why I needed this separation. I went to the house to pick something up, but ended up staying a bit longer. My husband went shopping last week with our daughter and bought her a new loft bed, so as to gain more floor space. The legs needed to be shortened, so he’d suggested I bring her along to help him do it.

Unfortunately, she’d had other plans, but went along anyway. They had a disagreement. Both children are reconsidering their plans for the fall. I suggested that all four of us sit down to discuss things, since we all happened to be at the house. My husband responded: “Why bother to talk? You can’t talk sense with her, she gets all hysterical.” That was it. Not until much later did I realize he hadn’t responded much above the level of a teenager.

I was slipping down into that dark, helpless space which is so uncomfortably familiar. We left as soon as possible, but first I suggested my husband and daughter set up a date when he should bring the bed and they’ll assemble it together.

Something strange was going on. Yet again, I was put in that negotiating position. They each talked to me, but not to each other. That is a role I had as a child, and I hate it! I refuse to be the go-between and get drawn into their stuff. No more! I’m willing to mediate, but I want all parties to be present.

Once I got home, I went for a walk. I was quite upset and needed to get some fresh air to clear my head. True, his behavior is familiar — just like it always was. However, I want to move beyond that mode. So rather than complain and give up, I have decided to let go of the past and focus on now. That means: What is the issue? What are the possible alternatives and solutions? And how can we reach a decision which is suitable for everyone?

I considered for myself what is important and what possibilities there are, as well as the long-term goals. For now I will focus on that: solution-oriented communication. In the meantime, I sigh with relief and am glad I no longer have to deal with him on a daily basis. It is quite a drain!

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Entry filed under: Family/Relationships, Life after separation. Tags: , , , , , , , .

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