Things have certainly changed

September 11, 2009 at 8:56 am Leave a comment

The sun is shining on this clear, crisp fall morning. It’s been a busy week, with several morning appointments. This morning I have the luxury to move slowly, hang out in my pyjamas, drink coffee, and relax. I don’t have to go to work until the afternoon.

My birthday isn’t until next Friday, but today I’m in a reflective mood. I’ve now been working for exactly one year. Since then, I’ve moved out of the house I shared with my husband and gotten my own apartment — for a time-out after 24 (no adjective) years, enrolled in a three-year training program to enhance personal development as well as vocational prospects, and I’ve finally gotten in touch with my heart and have a better picture of how I want and need my life to be.

Clarity has made its entrance, and I want it to hang around for a while. It provides me with a different approach. The scattered fragments of my life and being are falling into place. Things start to make sense, and I feel more (whole) than I have for a long time!

There are still mistakes and aspects of reality which are rather painful, but the relief from taking the necessary steps to reinstate my integrity and emotional well-being certainly make it worth it. This is a process, and these are further steps along the way. Meanwhile, my relationship with my daughter has been in the process of healing, and for that I am extremely grateful.

Recently I have experienced the fear and uncertainty that accompany an unsettling financial situation. Yes, it is indeed frightening, but I tell myself that all will work out for the best — I just don’t know what that looks like. Thus I may not recognize what is best, since it appears to be rather difficult at the moment.

The season of adjusting to the new apartment has passed. I spent countless evenings mellowing out on the balcony — with a glass (or two) of wine and a cat or two. I started and stopped smoking a few times. Even though I know better, it was too tempting to resist: What a pleasure to sit on my own balcony at all hours of the night — drinking, smoking and thinking, and knowing that no one would come outside with a disapproving frown on his face and ask with visibly strained patience when I was finally going to bed.

So, yes, it has been a time of chilling out and numbing out. It wasn’t exactly admirable behavior, but I gave myself permission to be “bad” for as long as necessary. However, I didn’t really consciously give myself permission until a few weeks ago, and that’s when the need began to diminish. It was helpful to tell myself that I could do what I wanted to do and enjoy it. I knew it wasn’t a permanent condition.

Sure enough, the fresh air and hope of the fall air have invigorated me with the desire for a clear head and the ability to breathe freely, and so I am once again able to let go of alcohol and nicotine. No, I didn’t drink and smoke excessively, but it was enough. It is humbling to recognize and admit that no matter how much recovery I have “in the bank”, it’s still about one day at a time, one step at a time, and the willingness to let go. I won’t elaborate, but trust that this insight is good for something! If nothing else, a lesson in humility is always helpful.

And so this life year draws to an end. There are new insights, new projects, new goals, and new friends to accompany me along the path. I am very much in the process of change and growth. It is overwhelming at times, but I just remember to go step by step, to breathe, and to trust that all is as it is meant to be. That’s it.

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Entry filed under: gratitude, Life after separation. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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