Addicted to Harmony

October 3, 2009 at 1:13 pm Leave a comment

They say when you give up one addiction, you might find another. We are a society of addicts. At least, that’s what my mother says.

I want to live happily every after, even though I know I can’t. Yet that still motivates me. The other day I walked past a store and saw a sign that said something to the effect of: “It’s time to improve your life. Buy this and be happy.” I didn’t take it seriously, but it set off some thoughts. Imagine if much of this society was happy with itself, self-confident and didn’t feel the need to try to prove itself, impress others, or pretend to be something it’s not (due to feelings of inferiority).

Oh my goodness, the economy would be even worse! I don’t even want to think about how many businesses and products would go down the drain if they couldn’t feed on our insecurity. So I think it’s definitely better if I don’t progress to the point of only buying what I need or just like (if I can afford it).

That’s just a left-over tangent from my wanderings. So today I admit that I am powerless over harmony. I want it. Day and night. Even though I know it’s not good for me, makes me do stupid things, and sometimes even harmful things like stay too long in the wrong relationship or say “yes” instead of the more appropriate answer.

This past summer I took to the balcony, seeking refuge with a glass or two of wine and cigarettes. That went on for a few months, but I didn’t find harmony. I just numbed out somewhat, which isn’t so bad sometimes. By the end of summer, I had a funny feeling that it wasn’t such a good idea — at least, not on a daily basis! So I stopped. No, not completely, but cut back considerably. My head is much clearer these days.

But last night I headed out there again. The sky was clear, the moon nearly full — irresistably attractive. Then I came inside and watched “Stepmom” with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon. Thank God I watched it in the privacy of my living room! The tragedy got to me.

Afterwards I went outside and sat for a bit — without numbing utensils — and felt incredibly sad. You know all those songs about lost hopes and dreams? Now I can guess where they came from.

Then it was strange. I closed my eyes tight and saw total blackness, imagined being transported to somewhere else — beyond this life? To my own movie? I heard the familiar neighborhood sounds, but the perfect pitch darkness was impressive. It would not have surprised me if I could never open my eyes again, or if I saw new surroundings when I did open them. Nevertheless, I was indeed able to open them, and it all looked the same. So I went back inside and went to bed.

Perhaps that is how a harmony addict hits bottom: by sitting in total darkness and simply feeling that utter pain in her heart, laying her hand upon her heaving chest as the tears silently roll down her cheeks and knowing: I am powerless. Lucky as I may be, I am a miniscule speck on an old blue-and-white-striped lawn chair, staring at the clear dark sky.

The revelation came today: one day at a time, I can live without the pursuit of utter harmony. I can just be.

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Entry filed under: free time, I wish I could be normal. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

One step back The “incorrigible tendency to compromise”

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