Hairy stuff

October 11, 2009 at 11:34 am Leave a comment

I haven’t mentioned hair cuts for quite some time. The other day I realized how wonderful it is to have my hair the way I want it. It may seem insane, but this is the first time in my life that I simply do as I please. No more worry about what people, my boyfriend/husband will say and whether or not he will like it. It’s my business.

I’m letting it grow these days. The short stubby look was an act of protest, as well as a step to keep my energy within me, rather than let it slide down that long hair and lose itself among the little girl’s desire to please and be loved.

Funny how such a simple matter as one’s hair can have such an impact. I feel like me now, not somebody trying to get approval. My life has moved in that direction on various levels during the past year, to become a well-founded, authentic existence that I can identify with.

What a relief it is to participate fully in my life, rather than be the detached bystander who would like to make a change but has no idea where to start. Where did I start? I took one tiny step.

Last night I went to an open mic night. Although I was nervous among those accomplished musicians and lost my voice during the first couple of songs, I gradually gained confidence and enjoyed myself. Afterwards I received warm feedback and that made me happy. It is a wonderful experience to have complete strangers come up to me and tell me they really like my songs.

By the end of the evening, they were no longer complete strangers. True to my reputation, I was among the last to leave. Again I reaped the benefits of going there all by myself — it gave me the opportunity to meet people, rather than hide in the protective confines of the familiar.

As I went to bed around 2 am, I sighed happily. It’s so nice to go out and come home when I want to, without worrying about someone’s disapproval. There is no need to explain. I just make plans according to my schedule and energy level, and let the kids know. They have their own plans, and as long as we connect, all is well.

In closing, this uplifting experience not only made me feel good, but it gave me encouragement and confidence — which carries over to help me face the recent bout of worry. I trust it will all work out. (This morning I even did some work on the school project, and suddenly it doesn’t seem quite so overwhelming!)

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