A different birthday

October 12, 2009 at 9:11 pm 2 comments

My chronological birthday has come and gone. Today is the birthday of a dear friend, and it coincides with my recovery birthday (almost). 21 years ago yesterday was the beginning of my new life. Every year around this time, I remember where I came from.

Here’s the story from the book:

27. September 1988: A million thoughts – here’s one: I was okay as a child. If only I’d realized that nobody else was as critical of me as I was. And another one: You do what you do, you do what you can. The more you do, the more you can.

1. October: In 10 days, Physics will be behind me! Just having set up a fixed date is a relief. Get it over with! Spent two nights at Harold’s. Wednesday I was down and out – went to his place after school and just cried for a while. I thought it would all be so much easier, that I would have so much more time once I got better – but there just isn’t enough time to do all that I want to do. It’s so frustrating.

10. October: So, my dear Martha, your day has come. You’ve studied hard – left a few things out – and we’ll see what happens. This is an important milestone – far more meaningful than the test itself. It marks the end of one chapter, the beginning of a new one. The rite of passage from fear and loathing to self regard, what I really want. To pass or not – many have survived both fates. It marks the end of fearing science, of having to be perfect and know everything. The key is to remain calm, to avoid being totally exhausted because of one event, which has been the case in the past. For now, shower and get ready, and spend the next few hours reviewing. That’s all there is to it!

11. October: All ready for bed – how nice it is to have a room of my own! Yes, I passed the test with a “B” – no problem. Really beginning to enjoy school, but now all I want to do is sleep!

21. October: Have been home sick since Wednesday – a lousy head cold. To be honest, I think I willed it to some degree, as I wanted to hang out a bit, which I’ve done. It seems like ages, yet only 10 days have passed since the Physics final, along with 3 tests – for all 3 of which I showed up. Very proud of that. I am so satisfied with progress. It occurred to me last night that I don’t want to get overconfident and abuse my powers.

The day of the Physics final, I threw up in the afternoon. I was nervous as I went to school. But at some point, wanting to review my notes again as I stood in the hall, I thought to myself: “No. I have studied as much as I could. I know what I know. I will never know everything. What I have done in preparation is ENOUGH. I am ENOUGH.” Then I calmed down, put my notes away, and waited until it was time to go into the room. [This I consider the real turning point of my life – from sick to healthy: the realization that I am ENOUGH.]

Sure, during the next year I had a few isolated episodes, but this was indeed the turning point. I was 26, had had bulimarexia for 13 years, and it was finally over!

Today I did some school work. I am in a training program which will enable me to plan and hold seminars. We learned that a seminar has three parts: an introductory phase, a main phase, and an end phase.

During a break, while reflecting on this birthday of sorts, it occured to me: the first 13 years of my life were the introductory phase. The groundwork was laid. The main phase was the bulimarexia, which was basically about dealing with an impossible, overwhelming life situation. The end phase was recovery and learning to deal with life. During the end phase, one reflects upon what one has learned and can carry over into “real life”.

As I tend to be in a hurry and multi-task, the next life seminar kind of overlapped with the first one. This time the theme is: “How to live my life the way I want”. This seminar seems to be somewhat accelerated. Each phase won’t take 13 years. As a matter of fact, I believe I am now in the main phase, which is about exploring and developing how I want to live my life. I’m definitely there! And I am so grateful for everything. Life certainly can be crazy, but it’s an exciting journey as well.


Entry filed under: life after bulimia. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Hairy stuff What to do with myself after separation

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. steve  |  October 12, 2009 at 9:32 pm

    I don’t mean to intrude on your blog. I just stumbled across it, and found your writing interesting.
    Life is an exciting adventure, and I wish the best for you.

  • 2. diaryofarecoveredbulimic  |  October 13, 2009 at 6:38 am

    No intrusion at all! Thanks for stopping by and for your good wishes. 🙂


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