Archive for November, 2009

I feel old!

November 24, 1991 was the day Freddie Mercury died. That was eighteen years ago!!! On December 8 it will be 29 years since John Lennon was killed. Jimmy Hendrix died on my 8th birthday — 39 years ago!!! And Jim Morrison has been gone for 38 years. These feel like huge numbers and it just doesn’t seem possible that so much time has passed. It seems like it was just yesterday, and I still feel a strong spiritual connection to them.

Those memories have a dimension of their own. My parents have been divorced for 34 years, but it seems like that was a hundred years ago. Time certainly is relative.


November 26, 2009 at 6:50 pm Leave a comment

Days slide by effortlessly, but I’m working hard

What I mean is, I can’t control things, but I work hard at what I can do. Well, except yesterday morning. I goofed off — made phone calls, played solitaire, wrote e-mails, and started working on the music for some new lyrics. Actually, that’s not goofing off, that’s just relaxing!

The new job officially starts next week, but I’m already putting in a few hours this week. It’s a transitional period. Tomorrow I attend the first staff meeting. It is strange to think that my former colleagues will be having their staff meeting at the same time — without me! Oh, well, that’s part of change. I have to let go of the old in order to make room for the new. That applies to just about everything I can think of — work, clothes, relationship, newspapers… even books! I’ve decided to let a few books go.

One thing I noticed recently: If I hesitate to deal with something, am afraid to address an issue with someone, but feel inner pressure because I believe it has to be resolved, that often incapacitates me. It takes up energy even though nothing is actually happening, and I feel zapped.

For example: the ramp for my cat. The superintendent from my building told me the previous tenant had one, and my downstairs neighbor had no objection. So I built it. Then an upstairs neighbor brought it up and made me feel uncertain. I wasn’t sure what to do, even though he said: “Well, it doesn’t really bother anyone.” He took on an air of critical authority, and I treated him thus. That’s been bothering me for a while, because I want to build a new (better) one, but wasn’t sure.

The other day, I received a sudden inspiration: invite the super over for a cup of coffee! She came over this morning and we had a nice conversation, during the course of which the ramp was mentioned. I told her about the neighbor, my concerns, etc. and she reassured me that I have nothing to worry about and need no special permission. Whew! What a relief!

Why didn’t I ask her right away? As soon as that man had scared me? I guess it was the little girl caught off guard and afraid of being naughty. Even though she’s 47 years old! Good grief! So it has been resolved, and the lesson I take from it is: If I’m afraid to address a certain person, rather than sit with my fear, I need to look at my resources. What are my alternatives? There is more than one solution to a problem. That I actually learned in higher mathematics. Why should life be any different?

However, sometimes I have to address that person, especially if it specifically has to do with them. That I did a few weeks ago. I actually talked to someone who constantly oversteps my boundaries. She stands too close to me and asks too many questions. The questions I can avert, answer briefly or say I don’t feel like talking at the moment, but the physical proximity was a problem. We talked, I told her how I felt, and she thanked me for telling her! Imagine that?!

What’s the bottom line? Problems expand — inflate themselves like a balloon — when I keep them in my head. That makes it hard to breathe freely. I don’t want to pop the balloon and explode. No, I am learning to let the air out slowly. After all, I might be able to use the balloon for something else.

November 25, 2009 at 8:34 pm Leave a comment

Meanwhile, events caught up with attitude

What a joy it is, to realize that I didn’t obsess! On Thursday I got the phone call — they chose me for the open position. So, as of December I have a new job! And I will continue to put in a few hours at the former place.

Despite the uncertainty, I simply kept moving — doing what I could. There was enough other stuff that needed to get done. I’m in pretty good shape for next weekend’s seminar. We just need to run through the plan once more and put on the finishing touches.

It’s not the absolute best news, but definitely way up there: my coffee machine was not terminally ill. For less than €100 they repaired and revitalized it — so now it looks like new, and the coffee tastes better than ever! What a joy to once again be able to drink a cup of coffee at home. Although, tea wasn’t so bad either.

After the excitement of the past few weeks, I have enjoyed this calm, lazy weekend. Yesterday I spent most of the day reading, only running out for a few groceries late in the afternoon, before the stores closed. (Yes, they close here on Saturday at 6 pm, and they remain closed on Sunday. Imagine that!)

Last night I went to a mystical fund-raiser with new-age experimental music — both melodic and including sounds from nature (birds chirping, rain, thunder…). It was relaxing. And I happened to meet an old friend there, which was nice.

This morning I got up early and went to church — with colleagues and clients from work. We sang a song together. I am a spiritual person, but rarely go to mass. I like going into a church when no one else is there. The quiet stillness and the magical/mystical atmosphere calm me. I light candles, sit quietly and think — or pray.

This afternoon I’m going to meet some friends at a market. They are my fun friends, so laughter is guaranteed. That’ll be nice. It’s been a rather heavy time, I look forward to the lightness of their company. It’ll be a nice change of pace.

Wish you all a peaceful Sunday. Remember: the sun is shining behind the clouds, even if you don’t see it! 🙂

November 15, 2009 at 12:57 pm Leave a comment

Reaching for the stars

reaching again

Reaching for the stars and I get a premonition:
I am on the right track when I trust my intuition.
Nothing overwhelms me; I take it all in stride,
knowing that the universe is always by my side.

Fear has held me down and blocked me on the way
Fear has made me small and led me far astray.
Yet I never left the path, though I sometimes thought I did
With time I grew and learned to trust in what the future hid.
I stuffed my fears into a suitcase and left it in Prague
Then I slowly walked away, and disappeared in the fog.

I walked into the fog of the future in which nothing was clear
Nothing but the sense of purpose, knowing I’m meant to be here.
That’s all I needed to walk on and be sure
Trust was the key to a long-lasting cure.

Reaching for the stars and I get a premonition:
I am on the right track when I trust my intuition.
Nothing overwhelms me; I take it all in stride,
knowing that the universe is always by my side.

When I feel tired and my strength is on the wane
I no longer need to fight the doubt and the pain.
Now I look at how it is and what I can do
With tiny steps I move forward and can pursue
the dreams and visions which led me to be born.
There’s no need to despair or feel utterly forlorn.

Reaching for the stars and I get a premonition:
I am on the right track when I trust my intuition.
Nothing overwhelms me; I take it all in stride,
knowing that the universe is always by my side.

November 13, 2009 at 9:13 am Leave a comment

Gradually taking shape

It has been of immense help to simply slow down and loosen up my expectations. Accepting that I can’t solve everything today has put a new perspective on things. I still don’t know where I’ll be working in December, but I know I’ll have a job. Nor can I today picture exactly how my next seminar in two weeks will be, but I’m working on it now.

Another source of help has been to take joy in the slightest things, and to feel the happiness they stir within me. Nor should the power of support through friends, family and co-workers be underestimated. It does wonders to reach out, talk, listen, ask questions, or just comiserate.

And it’s especially good to clear things up. A colleague and I both had interviews for the same job. At first, we wanted to stay put. Then we both realized we would like to do the new job. That’s when an air of competition snuck in. That did not feel good. She called me for something else, but I addressed the feeling and we had a good, honest talk about it. Both of us had reflected and both come to the decision that we’d like to work at either place and will leave it up to the universe. That works for me. It was important to discuss it.

It’s another dark, grey day — with a few drops of rain now and then, but I’m floating somewhere above it. Optimistic that all will work out one way or another.

Work, music, school, projects, children — it’s all a learning process and I’m right there in the middle. That may not appear to have a specific shape. It may not seem any different than it was last week, when I was feeling overwhelmed. The difference is small but significant: My trust has returned. I have faith in the universal plan. That helped me let go and not even bother to try to control everything or figure it all out. What a relief!

November 10, 2009 at 3:05 pm Leave a comment

Holding on

Whew! My plate has been quite full lately. Besides the usual coping with kids, the separation, household stuff and work, there’s been more. We are overstaffed at work, so I’m looking for something new. My training program keeps me busy and my first project (holding a seminar) is tomorrow! The dark, dreary, rainy days put a cold edge on things as well, and at the beginning of the week I felt totally overwhelmed.

Since there is no time or opportunity to hibernate at the moment, I choose to keep moving. Possibilities present themselves, and I take it one step at a time. On the dark days, I remind myself that God only gives me as much as I can handle. Apparently, God thinks I am quite capable and up to the challenge. Thus I choose to take it on!

I remain open and remind myself: When one door closes, another opens. Today I had an interview for something within the same company. At first I was apprehensive and thought it was an emergency solution, but as we spoke, I got the idea that I might like this job just as much — if not more! It will take a week or two before the decision is in, but it’s a no-lose situation. Either job is good for me — but I think I’d really like the new one!

Two weeks or so ago, when I heard that we were overstaffed, I felt a crisis coming on. I nearly cried while talking with my boss, but was able to switch over fairly soon to see it as an opportunity — a gift from the universe.

Generally, things are busy, yet everything seemed so difficult. (I confess, today things feel lighter somehow. Perhaps relief that the interview went well?) In any case, it felt like everything was much harder, took longer, and was tiresome. I told myself that it’s a difficult time right now — for a lot of people.

It helped me to accept that things don’t flow at the moment. It also helped to focus on the positive things — even tiny moments — like the unexpected smile of an otherwise grumpy neighbor whom I generally avoid. Or the sun shining through the golden leaves still left on some of the trees.

There is also the comforting thought that I’m still going full speed ahead, it’s just not as fast as I expect. But when I let go of my expectations and simply work with what is, I am satisfied.

I trust that the time will come again where everything seems to flow easily, but right now it’s that that way. Even as I write this, I feel how the darkness has lifted during the course of this week. On Monday I told myself that I would hold on and make it through the trying weeks to come, convinced that this dark mood and sense of burden would last much longer. I believe that through simply accepting the situation, things already lightened up.

So if you’re having a rough time, take heart! Many people are right now. Perhaps it’s the fall, the cold, the rain, the planetary constellation, who knows? I don’t. All I know is, we need to hold on, have patience with ourselves and remember: We only get as much as we can handle!

November 6, 2009 at 11:56 am Leave a comment

What's on my mind