Archive for December, 2009

Winter Sun

Christmas has come and gone. In this country, Christmas Eve is the time to celebrate. Christmas Eve I worked (24-hour shift) and got home mid-morning on the 25th. So, our celebration was postponed — but fit right in, since my children are also US citizens. The four of us had a nice lunch together, opened the few small presents under my little tree, and then my husband and I drank coffee together. He was surprised to get a present, and quite happy. Afterwards, he and my son left. I straightened up, and in the evening went to the movies.

Yesterday as I sat on the balcony (it’s not THAT cold!), I was awestruck by the hush in the city. Everything was so quiet! There is a magic in the air, regardless of one’s level of enthusiasm — or lack of it. (I tend more towards the Grinch side, simply because I don’t like the whole commercialized aspect of Christmas.)

But what this really is about, is the winter sun. That is a phrase I have heard before, but I never knew what they were talking about. The sun is the sun — whether in winter or summer. However, this year, my perception is enhanced. I have been amazed (and blinded) by the intense sun during the past few weeks. The golden ball shining behind a thin veil of clouds is breathtaking! Several times I wished I’d had my camera with me. Maybe I’ll manage to get a picture at some point. The winter is not yet over!

This new sense of perception is a sign of coming back to life. I am happy like never before. My senses are open, awake, curious — after lying dormant for years. From one year to the next I’d closed down, merely functioning.

This past year brought a lot of change in my life. I took action, proved my courage, used the opportunity of one crisis after another to grow, and I finally began to live the life I’d always wanted to lead. The life I had started to lead back in 1985, but then interrupted when I moved to Europe. I’m back on track and I love it!

The sun is shining today. Tuesday’s snow-covered landscape has been replaced by shades of brown and green. After the bout of cold and snow, it thawed and rained. Still there is a hush of magic in the air.

I wish you all the best, that you enjoy the last few days of this year. I wish everyone a good start in the New Year. May your wishes come true. May your dreams take shape. May you step up and face the challenges and crises life dishes out, giving you the opportunity to grow and fulfill your destiny!

Thank you all for your comments, emails and wonderful feedback during the past year. I look forward to what 2010 will bring!

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December 27, 2009 at 12:29 pm 2 comments

When it’s all too much

Lately there’s been a lot going on. I’m still at the old job (fewer hours), getting adjusted to the new place, have school work to do for the training program — holding seminars, writing an extensive report — as well as the usual childrearing, cats, household and hobbies.

Yes, that’s correct. Household and hobbies are last on the list. My poor guitar has been severely neglected the past several months. I noticed it when I took it out of its case and tried to play on the spur of the moment at the office Christmas party. Nearly a disaster! What a disappointment!

It seems like for the past 20 years I’ve been in the process of seeking a balance between work and private life — and work generally dominates, as private life gradually disappears from the picture. It’s that good old: “I just have to get this done/get through this/finish this, and then….” But there’s always something new!

Luckily things totally piled up during the past week, and I realized: It’s too much! The lone warrior was at it again — struggling alone, not asking for help, and acting on false assumptions which she didn’t think to question.

One day I realized that it was all too much. And then I got an email from my prior boss, saying that she is disappointed in me and wants to talk. I didn’t think I’d done anything wrong, so I wasn’t afraid to talk with her. I was mostly curious about what she would say.

It was good to talk things over. She felt I’d totally embraced the new job, and left the old one on the side of the road. A few misunderstandings and false information had contributed to the situation, but I know I have a tendency to do that: Dive into the new and neglect the old. I’m glad she spoke with me.

Around that same time, I’d already had a sense of being off course and realized that I need to calm down, take a good look at what is happening and what needs to be done, and to get some balance in my life. I can’t live for my job and neglect my music. That depresses me.

And so, for the hundred and twenty-third time, I assessed the situation and broke it all down into little steps. Lo and behold, once again I was able to proceed freely. I started writing that ominous report — and it is nearly finished! I devoted more thought to the old workplace and better prepared myself for my hours there, concentrated on the new place — but didn’t expect perfection from the start, and… yesterday and the day before I played guitar for an hour. Plus I made it to the gym yesterday!

The sense of being overwhelmed is so much in my head and tends to make me immobile. When I take it one step at a time, I can accomplish so much more! It never ceases to amaze me, though I do think I should know that by now!

Oh, well. I’m sure another round of learning processes and insight is bound to come, as the tendency to fall back into old behavioral patterns waits for the slightest opportunity to jump in. That can be frustrating. But for today I simply laugh at my imperfection, do the best I can, and now I’m going to play guitar!

December 8, 2009 at 1:08 pm Leave a comment


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