How could I?!

January 7, 2010 at 8:09 pm Leave a comment

The new year is only one week old, and already I’ve learned something! It has to do with my behavior towards the end of the old year, but I didn’t figure it out until the past few days.

See, I had met someone I found rather interesting and we finally had a chance to talk — just the two of us. And what did I do? Well, I got nervous, shy, felt suddenly like that little girl who wants to please, and I ended up telling my whole life story, including all the wonderful insights accrued over the past 8 months — since separating from my husband.

Well, that in itself isn’t so terrible, but it wasn’t authentic. I was filling space and also trying to score points by impressing him with all I’ve been through, suffered, dealt with, etc. etc. Blah, blah, blah. There’s a time and place for everything — and that definitely wasn’t the place or the time.

So once again I painfully notice the difference between theory and practical examples. Yet these practical examples offer incredible opportunity for growth. I’ve decided to either: get practice with men I’m less interested in, look at the whole story myself and give myself credit for all I’ve accomplished, or talk with a girlfriend if I need to. But to bombard anyone with the whole story in one sitting is too much.

One thing has become clear to me: I choose to let go of the past. I want to be me, now, in the present, as I am — not the result of what I was. Of course, I am the result of the process, but I don’t have to show that all the time. Nor do I want to succomb to the old patterns. I want to be free and be who I am, without worry as to whether or not somebody will like me.

So, yet another humbling adventure and learning process along the way. But I got a great song out of it! It’s about dignity. A handy thing to have, along with humility.


Entry filed under: changing my behavior. Tags: , , , .

Winter Sun But something good did come of it!

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