Wanting to be seen

January 11, 2010 at 9:44 am Leave a comment

Who doesn’t want to be seen and loved for what they are? I do! Yet for a long time I was afraid. Instead, I tried to adjust and “make” myself loveable — however I thought that was. I tended to adapt to the situation and people, thus remaining closed and inaccessible.

This past weekend, I had a wonderful experience. During the week I had a lousy flu, and wasn’t sure if I would be able to attend the weekend seminar. (It was one unit of the three-year course I am attending.) I stayed home Friday, but Saturday morning decided to give it a whirl. I took my guitar with me, just in case.

During the day I was still under the weather. After dinner, we all sat together and talked. It is a special group of some 20 people. We have just finished our first year together, so we have grown rather close. A few asked me if I would sing, as they’d seen my guitar when I checked in that morning.

I went and got it, and decided to simply have fun. Since my voice was not quite up to par, my expectations were not so high. Instead, I concentrated on enjoying myself, and on feeling what the songs were about and transmitting that feeling. It was a risk.

Afterwards one woman told me she’d enjoyed it much more than my concert last spring. She said: “So much feeling came across!” Another colleague was also full of praise. That felt so good! One after the other they thanked me for singing.

For months now I have struggled with the task of putting feeling into my voice. The lyrics are written with strong feelings, but I tended to distance myself when I sang, focussing instead on singing “nicely” — whatever that is.

Shortly before midnight, I was among the last to go to bed. With amazement I realized that I felt absolutely fantastic and had no more runny nose! I doubt it was the wine or cigarettes. 😉 The good, supportive company and positive feedback after allowing myself to be seen had a strong healing effect.

It was a rewarding experience. I realize that I can only be seen if I show myself. If I hide, or adapt myself to what I believe is expected of me, I don’t give others a chance. This weekend showed me clearly how worthwhile it is to take the risk.

Of course, not everyone will respond positively. But I have some say in the matter. I can nurture and protect myself, and be aware of my surroundings. I can choose the people with whom I spend time. In situations where I have less choice (work, school, extended relatives…), it is my decision as to how much I want to reveal.

The way I see it, I have to take the risk of not knowing how people will respond. But when I show myself, when I am authentic, then I feel good. And lately I am drifting towards people who are responsive and appreciative. I can choose consciously, but subconsciously seem to attract — and find — more and more people on my wavelength. It is truly incredible! It is worth the risk! Why not give it a try?

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Entry filed under: changing my behavior. Tags: , , , , , .

A girl with a one-track mind Worries

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