Plugging along

November 6, 2010 at 10:17 am Leave a comment

The sun is shining ever so brightly. My daughter is attending a funeral this morning, and last night when I got home I found out that my cousin died yesterday. Mixed feelings, to say the least. Life goes on, everything seems to be flowing — and these heartwrenching events are part of it.

In my own little world, things are coming along. As long as I am patient and remind myself that I don’t have to know and do everything all at once, work is going well. It is an adjustment — the second new job this year! But this one suits me well, so I plan to stay for a while.

Yesterday evening an old friend called. She had read about half of my book and said she was devastated. She didn’t really know what bulimia and anorexia are about — beyond the well-known physical symptoms/behavior. She was shocked that she knew me when I was still sick and didn’t know! Back then hardly anyone knew. She said it was affecting her dreams and put her in a difficult space.

All I could say was that it had to be written that way. It is truly taken from my old diaries and my goal was to portray the less romantic side of being skinny at all costs. The feelings, thoughts, crises and wasted opportunities and moments had to be portrayed. I want other bulimics and anorexics to find themselves, to see that they aren’t alone, to derive comfort from the fact that it can last so long but… it can end in a healthy way. There is a way out!

October marked the 22nd anniversary of recovery. Yet still to this day I find myself grateful. When I go to the grocery store and carry home a couple of heavy bags, I am happy to know it’s “honest” food. There is such joy in having the energy to live life — to pursue hobbies, go out, meet friends, stay home and be lazy, read, cook and eat a good meal. Recovery means freedom. Freedom to live to the full. It is an incredible gift.

Along with that freedom to live, comes the freedom to feel. And so this morning I feel a lot — happiness at the warm sunshine and the splendor of the bright leaves on the trees, relief at having a day off to just putter around and simply be, and sadness about my cousin. It can all happen at the same time.

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Change in process What matters

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