Regrets? I’ve had…more than a few

August 10, 2012 at 2:50 pm Leave a comment

Let’s be honest here. I would be a liar, with my eating-disorder history, to say I’d only had a few regrets during this journey. During a recent trip to my homeland, I was unexpectedly confronted with this reality, though generally I’ve been pretty good about accepting “what is”.

During a drive to Vermont, I passed the exit for Marlboro and remembered have gone to visit the College there some…30? years ago with my Aunt. I was excited, it seemed like exactly the place I wanted and needed to be, but something inside held me back. The next day, or perhaps in that same thought, I remembered that I’d had a partial scholarship to Binghamton University after graduating High School, but I didn’t see how I could get there.

I wonder at the lasting effects of the trauma in my life, which led me to doubt that I deserve, to resign myself to the fact that certain doors were closed to me. Now I ask myself, what would have been necessary? What could have helped me say: “Okay, I don’t have the money, but there must be some way to get there!”

On the same trip, I met an old friend. We’d had a crush on each other way back in Elementary School, but neither of us had said a word. We got to talking about a concert that his band had played at the local college, back in the early 80’s. I remembered that night. We had talked, but even then were both too cautious to let on that there might be more interest on a different level. What would have happened, if one of us had found the courage to say something?

At this point in my life, I’ve had ample opportunity to learn to accept what is, to treasure it, and to trust that things are the way they were meant to be. Life is full of opportunities. I believe that each of us has his or her own destiny, yet we have the freedom to make choices — and then see what happens and work with that. It takes courage and trust, both of which I have learned to consciously integrate into my life during the past years.

Life has given me some bitter lessons, but I have learned a great deal. Gratitude fills me as I approach my 50th birthday and know: “Every day is a new day, a new chance to begin.” So I am full of hope and anticipation as to what this new year of life will bring. But there’s still a good month to go — and who knows what will happen in the meantime?! Yes, there are some regrets, some things I would do differently, but I only know that now! And now I have the opportunity to make decisions, to choose where I want to go, and I’ll see what happens. 🙂

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